Requiescat in Pace: The Ezio Collection

Ezio Auditore de…La Lala…


Well, shoot. More news. Apparently the Ezio trilogy (combined into The Ezio Collection) is coming for current-generation consoles and PCs in November. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look as if there will be significant retouching on the games (judging by the trailer), but I’ll probably end up picking it up for old times’s sake, maybe even enduring my way through the original Assassin’s Creed on the 360.

Sense Makes None: Rainbow Six Siege

Rainbow Six Derp.

Don’t get me wrong; I love this game.

But just about nothing about R6:S makes sense, and I find that really funny.

First, let’s start with the setting itself. Disregarding the situations (which I don’t really count as a real plot, by the way), you have a bunch of jackasses standing around in a house (or plane, or chalet, or yacht, whatever) doing their best to stop another team of jackasses (who have counterparts on the defending team) from capturing/extracting/disarming the objective. In fact, why are the two teams allied with other factions in trying to kill other members of their own factions? It raises a few questions that can be aptly summed up in the first episode of Red vs. Blue: “The only reason that we set up a Red base here is because they have a Blue base over there. And the only reason they have a Blue base over there is because we have a Red base here.

But whatever, that can be attributed to being a multiplayer game. That being said, I’d still like a little bit more justification for having two teams of highly trained operators from the best counter-terrorism organizations around the globe killing members of their own teams. Like what Halo tried by inserting their SPARTANs in simulations (“war games”) aboard the UNSC Infinity.

Moving on.

In Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six novel (which is a hell of a read, by the way; I thoroughly recommend it to anybody), Team Rainbow is a NATO-affiliated organization. Technically, Russia isn’t part of that organization and therefore the Spetsnaz shouldn’t be included with the others, but alliances can change (and two major in-universe events make this feasible), so whatever. That’s alright.

What befuddles me is Tachanka. Is he…is he wearing a welding helmet? In what world does a welding helmet provide more advantages than a modern combat helmet? I can’t see anybody plausibly being able to aim down the sights with that, not to mention the extra weight and itchiness on the face. Moreover, his bio reveals him as a collector of old Soviet weaponry and equipment, which I can actually admire (because older guns are so much cooler than newer guns), but his use of the RP-46 – a machine gun designed in 1946 to be a replacement of another model already twenty years old – raises my eyebrows in bafflement. No RPD? RPK? Any AK with a drum magazine? Hell, Fuze carries a Pecheneg into combat; why not just give Tachanka one that can be mounted onto a stand?

And while we’re on the topic of weird clothing and equipment:

  • What the heck is with nitro cells? Why give operators something so jury rigged when you can just give them normal C4?
  • I really appreciate how the defenders thoughtfully remove the doors from their hinges before going to barricade them.
    • It’s also nice how they leave just enough space on the bottom for drones to get through.
  • The SAS wear gas masks. In Smoke’s case it makes sense, because of his toxic canisters, but the other three members apparently only wear them as fashion statements because they don’t work.
  • The GSG 9 are all apparently super confident in their abilities, or are otherwise unprepared due to them just slapping combat gear over civilian clothes.
    • Though, I do like how they have specialized head gear to protect their ear protection.
    • Who in the world thought it was a good idea to give anybody a car battery as part of somebody’s equipment?
  • Apparently Rook also carries duct tape. How else do you attach extra plates to your body? Never mind the fact that such placement blocks the rest of your equipment.
  • The JTF2 are wearing freaking parkas. Parkas and gaiters. What.
    • In fact, Buck, Frost, and the Welcome Mat perfectly represent all of Canada: moose, ice, and bear traps.
  • Absolutely nothing makes sense of the SEALs’ equipment.
    • Why isn’t Blackbeard’s rifle shield just standard issue?
    • Where did the SPAS-12 come from?
    • Who in their right mind thinks that the Desert Eagle would make a good sidearm?

Actually, speaking of the American forces, technically the SEALs don’t accept female applicants yet, so Valkyrie shouldn’t even be here.

At the end of the day, though, it’s still a game. And it’s a damn fun game at that, with all of the blood-pumping moments that can happen to you in a single match. That being said, it can also be as infuriating as any other game – but that’s when you should make up some crazy story to justify why your operator was given the green light to breach, and enjoy imagining the implications.